Wordless Wednesday: When I Leave the Room

as Judson approaches his one year mark (in 2 days!), I find myself on the edge of a good cry all too often.

at random times and during mundane parts of our day

it has been hard for me to admit this, but i didn't feel that instant overwhelming connection with him when he was born-that Hallelujah moment that you hear about.

i loved him, absolutely loved him.

i did feel an instant sense of motherly protection and the need for him to be fed, dry, loved and content.

but, it wasn't the "heart walking around outside of my body" experience that I was expecting.

perhaps this makes me a bad mom. or maybe i'm just like everyone else and we just don't talk about it because we might be labeled a bad mom or whatever else people want to throw at you as a new mom.

(or maybe i was just too tired to feel anything)

but, it didn't take long for that bond to form, grow and become firm.

this day. today. i can't imagine a bond more tight than ours.

he is my heart on two legs. some cute, wobbly and curious little legs.

i didn't expect to be emotional about his turning a whole year old.

part of me was ready for him to become more independent, verbal and interactive.

then this other part of me crept out of now where. 

the part that ached for him to never grow or age a day over 6 months. 

so is motherhood, i suppose. 

recently, i listened to an interview with Natalie Grant on the radio.

she talked about her daughters and how this song, for them, came to be.

then she sang it, "When I Leave the Room"

there i was, parked in a restaurant parking lot, all weepy.

it so beautifully captures the journey of parenthood: from the first days of a newborn to the final days of this life.

of course, i am just starting this journey but it tugged on my heart something fierce

i so strongly desire for Jesus to be with Judson when i'm in and out of the room.

my little desire for him to be fed has been overtaken by my desire for him to be surrounded by angel armies.

i also recognize the amount of grace that is needed on this parenting journey. 

little eyes are watching everything and i have and am going to mess up. grace, i need it every hour.

grab a kleenex and have a listen

better yet, grab a whole box

Good night,
Looks like we made it through the day
The moon sighs and I know that we're okay
Sleep tight,
I love to watch you drift away
I would come with you but on my knees I'll stay

Good night
Five little fingers holding mine
Take flight
Into your dreams and lullabyes
There's nothing more that I can do
But just fall more in love with you
And ask the angel armies to stand by
When I leave the room

I'm gonna fail you
I already have
Ten thousand times
I will fall down flat
You'll have a seat in the front row
of everything I don't know
And all I'm trying to be
You'll see

Good night
There will be storms that we come through
In time
We will slay dragons me and you
I'll always wanna hold you tight
Keep you safe with all my might
So I will leave Jesus next to you
When I leave the room

And you will run ahead
As if you know the way
And I will pray more
Then once you'd have to pray
There will be words we can't take back
Silences too
And I'll be on my knees
You'll see

One night
When I am old and unsteady
You'll want me to fight
But I'll tell you that I'm ready
When there's nothing left to do
I will still be loving you
Then you'll fold your fingers into mine
And I will let Jesus hold you tight
When I leave the room